Poor Me

I am having such a hard time today!! On a totaly personal level. I don't where to begin to teel why. I will do my best but please bear with me.. These thoughts will be a total jumbled mess!!

I was watching Dr. Oz this afternoon. It was about woman who WANT to be overweight. Dr. Oz had a therapist on and he asked each one to close their eyes and to really think about the question he was about to ask. This question really brought back some really bad memories from my childhood. What was the question that caused me to be such a blithering mess this afternoon......

He asked "Who was the first person who ever tell you that you were worthless?"

OH MY GOD!!!!!! My grandmother told me this on a daily basis beginning when I was five and went until I was 17 and finally realized I had to get away, so I did. I ran away.

I am the youngest of 6 children. Of the 6, omly 2 have the same father. I don't even know who my father is. No clue. No one would ever tell me and now there is no way to know. Anyone who might have had that knowledge is gone.

As you can probably tell, my mother was a very promiscous woman. She was very wild in her younger days. Drinking and partying and just totally not taking care of us.

I went to live with my grandmother (my mothers mom) when I was 5 yrs old along with my sister Frances and my brother David. We are the youngest of the 6. The three older siblings ( in order by age) Jeannie, Bobbie and Buddy were old enough to be on their own.

Granny had a home for the elderly. This was long before there were regulations and anyone who had room and wanted to could do this. By todays standards she would have been closed down and put in prison for the way she treated these people.

My whole life she told me I was worthless and would never amount to anything. I would be a whore just like my mother. After a while, if you are told things often enough you begin to believe it.

As a child I never had a room to myself. I always had to share a room with some old lady. Never had any privacy and God forbid never had anything nice. She collected a social security check for me from the man who was listed on my birth certificate for 12 years. That money was never used for me. To be absolutley honest, the first toothrush I ever had, I shoplifted when I was 10. I'm not proud of it, it is what it is.

For as long as I can remember I was up at 5am to help prepare breakfast for 28 people and could not go to school until the dishes were done. I went to school only because the law said I had too. Otherwise I would have been in that house all day working. IThere was always work to be done. Laundry neede to be washed and hung up, then folded and ironed. People needed to be fed, bathed and ready for bed. Floors swept and mopped, the list is endless.

I am an avid reader. I have always loved to read. It was my escape. A way to forget. But I wasn't permitted to read unless it was for school. I was always telling her I had book reports due. I remember the bathroom was quite large. There was a large free standing closet that was used for storage. I would hide books behind that closet and read when I went to the bathroom. I remember being so scared that she would catch me that if I heard her coming I would real quick toss the book behind the closet. Because believe me, if she caught me, it wouldn't be pretty. By todays standards it wold be child abuse and I would have been removed from the home. But I had no such luck.

Do you have any idea what it's like to a 10 year old to have to give old men baths? Or to go in to wake someone up for breakfast only to find they died during the night and to have to get them ready for the funeral home to pick them up? A lot of adults I know couldn't handle it.

Anytime she thought I might be happy or want something more.. I heard the same mantra "You're no good, you'll never be worth anything, and on and on and on.

My sister Frances who is 7 1/2 yrs older than me left when I was 12. She ran away and was later placed in the childrens home.

My brother David was mentally challenged and it was so much worse for him. My heart breaks when I think back on those years.

I am actually going to leave off for now and will pick this up again at another time. My brother Buddy just called and we had a long talk and I told him how I was feeling about not knowing who my father is and he actually told who thought it might be. So I am off to do some research and see if I can find some information. Please say a prayer and I will log my progress as it happen. Wish me happy hunting..................

What Else Could Happen!!

First let me say that if anyone received an email from me today, I am so sorry!! My gmail account was hacked. I have since changed my password so I am hoping that's the end of that!

To make matters worse, because I have an Android phone all of my contacts linked to my gmail account and were wiped out!!! Over 200 contacts in my phone and poof! gone!

Cudos to AT&T for helping me get them all back! They were a great bunch to work with today!

I am hoping that is all the excitement for the day, cause I can't stand anymore!!

Today Is A New Day

It's a cold rainy Saturday So I have plenty of time to get busy!

Had a rough day yesterday with a migraine. I am allergic to patchouli. Someone came into the church yesterday bathed in it!! Even after they left, the smell hung around to the point that by the time I left, I was so sick!! I love the scent, but my body doesn't!!

Today I will concentrate on cleaning up around the house. It's not too awful bad, just a little sad for lack of attention. My main concentration area today will be the main living are which is living room, dining room and kitchen. All one big room. Nothing major to do, just a good dusting, vacuuming and mopping. Will let you know how it goes.

Today will also be a time for phone calls. I have my blue tooth in so I can talk while cleaning. Makes everything go faster.

My sister Jeannie lives about 3 miles from me but we don't talk much or get together as often as I would like. She is the oldest of the 6 of us and I am the youngest. Sometimes she forgets that I am a grown woman with 3 grown children and I don't need a mother. Plus there are many other issues as well that I will go into at a later time. She is a real PITA, but I love her anyway!! This year I want to mend our relationship and make it better for both of us.

Okay, enough for now. I need to get started and will let you know how it goes!

I am Such a Dummy!

O.K., I'm going to try this again!! I created a blog this morning and sent the WRONG link to everyone! Now I can't remember the user name. I knew I should have written it down!!!

Even though I have had a blog here before, I was never very active on it so there is still so much to learn. If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know (and how to do it).

For the first time in 30 yrs I am truly an empty nester. For the first time in 30 yrs all of my children are hundreds of miles away. I don't know whether to laugh or cry, Be happy or sad. I'll let you know how it goes.

I have decided that beginning today, this year is for me!!! I really am tired of putting every ones feelings ahead of mine, of being worried that someone may may not be happy if I don't do things their way. Of being afraid to use my voice for what I feel is right.

This blog, I hope, will help to voice my thoughts and feelings, triumphs and disappointments, and to set new goals for myself.

My to do list for 2012:

• Stop smoking (quit date is Monday 1-9-12)
• Get healthier (Now that I have insurance it will be easier)
• Get my finances in order (ie, get out of debt)
• Be better organized
• Renew old friendships and make new ones better!

I know it sounds like a lot but I know I can do it!!

I hope you can join me in my journey to a better me!!